The Monday Morning Epistle

If asked to name two airports in the world that are complete opposites, I would choose Frankfurt and Cairo. The first is a spacious, modern, and scrupulously efficient example of German engineering, while the second is a crowded, noisy, disorganized sea of humanity. Our Air Egypt flight from Frankfurt landed in Cairo about dinner time on Saturday, and our tour group—led by Oliver, the travel agency owner—hesitantly waded into the scrum to collect our visas and (hopefully) our luggage. The customs officials were initially confused by a German tour group with 60 American and 3 German passports, but a tourist is a tourist, so after some half-hearted arguments, everyone got a brightly colored stamp in their passport and we were allowed to go wait for our bags…and wait…and wait. Since we arrived during the last few days of Ramadan (the Muslim holy month of fasting: no eating, drinking, smoking, or sex between sunrise and sunset) a majority of the baggage handlers were ill-tempered and being generally unhelpful. Even so, after 90 minutes of milling fruitlessly around the luggage carousels, our stuff did eventually appear, and we shuffled to the next checkpoint. After yet another 30 minutes of impatient loitering, the group was split into two smaller groups: as part of ‘Ramses’, we followed Mohammed onto bus #1 while Iman led the ‘Pharaohs’ onto bus #2. Next up was a brief drive into downtown Cairo, during which Alex repeatedly asked “When are we going to see sand?” and the licensed drivers cringed in horror from the absolute chaos of Cairo's streets. The Egyptians fervently believe that honking the car's horn continuously is all that is necessary to turn a 2 lane road into a 5 lane road, and appeared to bet their (and our) lives on this belief at every turn. By the time we finally checked in to the Ramses Hilton, it had taken nearly as much time to get through Cairo as it did to fly there in the first place…welcome to Egypt!

After an unusual combination Arabic/Oriental/Continental breakfast on Sunday, we boarded the air-conditioned tour bus for our first, second, and third official sightseeing trips. As we left the hubbub of the Garden District of Cairo and got our first look at the surrounding sands, Jacob piped up with “Look…they have beech trees!” Somewhat surprised at Jacob's sudden ability to identify a specific type of tree, I looked around but saw nothing but palm trees. Duh, Daddy: beach trees. We began at Memphis—the historical capital of Ancient Egypt—where we visited several statues of Ramses that have graced Social Studies textbooks for generations. It was here that we also learned our first lesson in the meaning of the word “free” in Egyptian: when the smartly uniformed ‘Tourist Police’ beckoned us to pose for “free” photos, we happily obliged, only to discover that we were expected to thank them for each “free” photo with a small gratuity afterwards. They were armed…it was only a dollar…I didn't argue. On to Saqqara…

Saqqara (or “Sakkara” as printed on the regional beer label) featured the Step Pyramid of Djoser, which is not only the oldest of the existing pyramids, but is also the first all-stone construction project in recorded history. As we topped the sand-blasted climb to the pyramid's base, Alex took in the panoramic view of the Sahara Desert stretching off across Africa and blurted “Wow, that's…umm…long.” As the adults listened to Mohammed lecture on the ancient rituals conducted at the site, The Gruesome Twosome + Zack (GT+Z) contented themselves with goofing around in the sand and gawking at the camels and donkeys paraded past the group by hopeful but annoying hawkers. Also at Saqqara we were led into the first of what later turned out to be a seemingly endless series of tombs; this one had only recently been opened to the public—and was featured in last month's National Geographic—and was still being actively restored. The workmen would cheerfully entice tourists into the unfinished chamber for the opportunity to slather a trowel full of plaster on the wall, only to then demand a ‘gift’ from the person doing their work for them. We also learned the meaning of “Flash Photography Prohibited” in Egyptian: it means “Be sure to tip the guard before taking the picture.”

Having finished our pyramid tutorial in Saqqara, we were finally ready for the big time, so we proceeded straight to Giza. There the GT+Z were disappointed that although they could climb on the Great Pyramid of Cheops, nobody was permitted to climb all the way to the top. We also allowed Mohammed to negotiate a group rate on camel rides; with nearly a dozen people wanting a ride (or at least the chance to be photographed sitting on a camel) it ended up costing us about $3 per beast. Watching Jacob yelp in delighted surprise and cling frantically to the pommel of the saddle as his camel lurched to its feet was a sight that made the entire trip worth it…and it was still only the morning of the first day!

When the intrepid nomads returned—and Alex had the opportunity to regale everyone about how his camel broke wind several times—we re-boarded the bus and drove about 45 seconds to the site of the Sphinx. It may be big, it certainly is old, it definitely is one of the most recognizable man-made objects on the planet, but sadly, it doesn't feature farting camels, so the Sphinx was boring if you weren't an adult. Time for a late lunch.

A side note here about the food: in getting ready for this trip, Mary worried about Garion's diet and we arrived with a sizeable supply of baby yuck in jars, powdered milk, oatmeal, and several liters of apple juice carefully packed in plastic bottles. It turned out that although Garion went through the apple juice as expected, the rest of the food languished in our suitcases as he munched his way through the buffet at every meal. His Irish heritage also emerged, as Garion matched Jacob almost roll-for-roll in the daily bread-eating contests at breakfast and dinner. In hindsight, the baby ate better than any of us, cheerfully consuming lamb, rice, zucchini, potatoes, pasta, eggs, and just about anything else he could worm his fingers into. I did notice, though, that he didn't care very much for the fresh goat cheese; but then again, neither did anyone else except for Daddy and Auntie Robin.

By the time all 60+ people were finished with lunch, it was nearly 4 pm, so our last stop of the day was at the Maat Papyrus Institute in downtown Cairo. If you think of Victoria's Secret as a “Lingerie Institute”, you get the idea: come in, look around at expensive stuff you can't afford, buy some not-so-expensive stuff you can afford, and leave before you buy anything else. After a demonstration of how to make papyrus by Mohammed (with Jacob's unscripted assistance) we obligingly bought several nice pieces before returning to the hotel and collapsing. Since one of the designs was a cartouche with Alex's name in hieroglyphics, the saleslady graciously accepted my payment and informed me “Your order will be delivered to your hotel this evening.” Sure enough, there was a polite tap on our hotel room door about two hours later, and the bellhop handed me a cardboard tube containing Alex's cartouche…and nothing else! A quiet word with Mohammed the next morning was all it took to have the other three papyri waiting for us when we returned to Cairo later in the week, but it was still embarrassing: we were getting so used to people schlepping our stuff for us that it never occurred to me to carry the ready-made papyri out of the Institute myself!

Monday started on a rather grotesque note, as the wake up call came at 3 am so that we could be in the air by 8:30 and on the ground in Luxor about an hour later. Luxor airport isn't nearly as large as Cairo's, but does prominently feature the same “hurry up and wait” style of baggage handling. Nonetheless, we were out of the airport and at the Temple of Karnak by 11 am, where we walked around and gaped at the sheer size of the ruins. This is the one temple that seems to get most of the publicity, and all I can say it that it's deserved. The Temple of Karnak is incredible, both in scale and in design, and the fact that it has stood unchanged for over 3,000 years just makes it that much more awe-inspiring. Mohammed—who was rumored to be a university professor somewhere in Cairo when not shepherding tourists—was clearly struggling to figure out which parts of Egypt's five millennia of history to omit, otherwise we'd still be there. It was incredible to actually see several hundred tons of “mud bricks” exactly like the ones in The Ten Commandments just sitting there. Most had returned to dirt, but they were still there.

From there we made our way to the banks of the Nile and on board the Nile Crown II, but not before making the first of many stops for shopping. The Nile Crown II is a luxury 5-star hotel that also happens to be a boat; it features 60 full-sized cabins, a dining room, a bar/lounge, and a sun deck with a pool. Unfortunately, some of the things that the Nile Crown II did not offer were fresh milk, high chairs, or baby cribs. This was actually a relief, as it justified our lugging our portable crib all the way from Germany…just in case. The Nile Crown II had been completely refitted and re-christened earlier in the month, and was well-staffed with smiling waiters and houseboys who were completely smitten with Garion from the first time he crawled across the dance floor.

Another side note: since Robin was traveling as part of the Neuse family—she shared one room with Mary & Garion while the Gruesome Twosome and I shared the other—the front desk simply assumed that I had two wives and three sons, which made me quite respected. Since we also spent much of the trip with Robin's boss Barb and her son Zack, I was even more respected by the rest of staff, as I was now credited with three wives and four sons!

The Arabs are an unexpectedly kid-friendly culture, and Garion spent the entire trip being held, played with, cooed at, and even chain-fed candied cherries by the bartender (until Dad intervened…Mom was busy being the Nile sun goddess on the top deck). He also took great delight in clambering up and down the small marble staircase in the lobby of the boat, and when put on the floor would make a beeline for the stairs. Unfortunately, the combination of the early wake up call and all of the attention lavished on Garion wore him out early, and the poor baby melted down during the twilight tour of the Temple of Luxor just before dinner. He ended up wailing miserably in my lap as we sat on the bus for nearly half an hour before finally succumbing to the sandman, just as the rest of the ‘Ramses’ group returned from their tour.

Tuesday morning saw a marked change in atmosphere and attitude, as Ramadan ended and the three day feast of Eid began. Since this is vaguely like our Christmas season (presents for children and lots of visiting relatives) everyone was now dressed in their finery and exuberantly buying (or selling) gifts. We started the day at the Memnon Colossus, which were little more than a pair of huge, badly marred statues sitting alone in the middle of a scrubby desert field. Mohammed worked hard to make them interesting (“Imagine this with an elaborate temple behind it…”) but quickly gave up and took us to the Temple of Queen Hatshepsut, which is a three level temple partially carved into the side of a mountain, and way more interesting.

Our next visit was the Valley of the Kings, and Jacob finally got to visit the tomb of Tutankhamen. As you may know, King Tut only reigned from age 9 until his ‘mysterious’ death at 18. Mohammed mentioned that in 1997, a detailed X-ray of the sealed sarcophagus determined that in addition to the previously discovered crack in the boy Pharaoh's skull, six ribs were missing on one side of the body; this has led Egyptologists to drop their conspiracy theories in favor of a fatal chariot accident. [Mary here: I've got to tell you about Jake and Tut: Mohammed told us that if we wanted to see King Tut's tomb, we would have to pay a separate entrance fee. Jake looked at me and said, with hope shining in his eyes “Can we go Mom? Can we? PLEEEASE???” Like I'm gonna say no to that! So after we visited the tomb of Ramses IX, we descended into King Tut's tomb. Jacob looked at everything! He knew which rooms held which stuff, he even knew where the treasure room was. Robin couldn't find it, but Jake did!]

The Valley was very crowded—Alex, Garion & I actually got separated from our group for quite a while—but interesting nonetheless. On the way back to the bus, Alex asked if I would buy him a souvenir, so I decided it was time for him to learn about ‘full-contact shopping’. After carefully instructing Alex to ‘just play along’, we picked out a hand-carved alabaster goblet he wanted and the dance began. The hawker started at 50 Egyptian Pounds, proving he was a thief, and I answered that I had only 20 Egyptian Pounds, proving me a liar. Once the opening formalities were concluded, I decided on a whim to see if I could get away with 20, so I explained to the shopkeeper that Alex was buying the goblet as a gift, but that he had spent almost all of his money on ‘soda & candy’. When the shopkeeper suggested that I give Alex more—the offer on the table was now at 35 pounds—I appealed to a father's duty: sons must be taught, not spoiled. When he insisted that that 20 was simply not enough to pay for such a beautiful item—but 30 seemed reasonable—I began scolding Alex about ‘wasting his money’ and Alex picked up on his cue perfectly, hanging his head in shame as I lectured him loudly and steered him out of the tiny shop. Just as we hit the doorway, the shopkeeper thrust the goblet into my hands and muttered “Here…20 pounds OK. He is good boy.” Since one US dollar equals about 6.2 Egyptian pounds, we had just spent nearly 10 minutes skillfully negotiating the price of Alex's goblet from an outrageous $9 to an acceptable $3. And yes…it was worth it!

We may have had dinner in Luxor Tuesday night, but we had breakfast Wednesday morning in Edfu. Here we discovered that continuously honking the boat's horn is all that is necessary to turn a 17 lane river into a 42 lane river. We also endured the only uncomfortably hot day and large crowd to visit the Temple of Horus before retreating to the comfort of our air-conditioned floating hotel. This was also the day that I lost at statistical roulette and became part of the “significant percentage of visitors to Egypt” that succumb to ‘the curse of the Pharaohs’. By the time the excursion to Kom Ombo departed, all I wanted to do was lie in bed and try to ignore the stomach cramps. I did make an appearance at the fancy dress dinner-dance later that night, but my lovely wife took one look at my ashen face, noticed I wasn't eating anything, and banished me back to my bed…which was where I desperately wanted to be in the first place. It was a pity, though, because Mary was decked out in a gorgeous blue caftan with a sequined peacock design and even had gold dangly things in her hair; her make-up also perfectly captured the ‘Cleopatra look’ and was the envy of the female passengers. We had also found a miniature pale blue caftan for Garion, which made him even more disgustingly adorable than usual.

Thursday morning was another example of ‘divide & conquer’ as Alex and Robin took the optional side trip to Abu Simbel, while the rest of the Neuse clan visited a ‘Nubian village’ and bird sanctuary. Since the trip to Abu Simbel not only departed at 4am, but also cost an extra $120 per person, we sent the oldest family member who qualified for the ½ price children's discount as our designated representative. Alex came back all excited about what he had seen, right up until Jacob revealed that he had gotten to hold a live crocodile at the Nubian village. [Mary again: I considered telling Jacob “No.”, but remembered a long time ago being one of two kids holding a live snake around my neck just to see the look on Mom's face, so I kept my mouth shut and took pictures!] That was it: baby crocodiles trump ancient temples and Alex was crushed; the fact that his younger brother gleefully spent the rest of the afternoon innocently asking “Did they have crocodiles at Abu Simbel?” didn't help: we finally had to tell Jacob to shut up about crocodiles.

Since we were now in Aswan, it was required by Egyptian tourist regulations that we admire the Aswan Dam, where Mary kept chuckling to herself at Mohammed's efforts at smoothing over the rather touchy US/Egyptian politics surrounding the dam's construction. In a nutshell, the Egyptian government applied to the World Bank in the 50's for funding, only to have the US spitefully torpedo the loan as punishment for the Egypt's continued support of the Palestinians. Not to be thwarted, the Egyptians decided to “nationalize” the Suez Canal and evict the British and French troops guarding it, drawing angry protests from the US. The Aswan Dam was eventually built throughout the 60's and 70's with ‘free help’ from the Soviets, who were themselves evicted by the Egyptians a decade later for “…interfering in our military decision-making.” as Mohammed so delicately put it.

Since admiring the Aswan Dam only takes about 15 minutes—biggest lake in Africa on one side…biggest river in Africa on the other…move on—we moved on to the island Temple of Philae. Since it would have been submerged in the rising waters of Lake Nasser, the Egyptians obligingly moved the entire Temple of Philae to a higher, nicer island, and also provided a convenient way for tourists to reach it: a horde of outboard-motor driven launches that vied for business by ramming each other in order to reach the dock first. Once safely on the island, we admired more ancient hieroglyphics, many of which had been carefully and deliberately obliterated during the Crusades by the Copts, a branch of Christianity that still flourishes in the Middle East to this day. So much for being the good guys.

On the ride back to the boat Thursday afternoon, Oliver asked us to please be early for dinner by about 20 minutes or so. There we were surprised with two large turkeys—expertly roasted and carved by the kitchen staff—to celebrate Thanksgiving. The reason for the early arrival at dinner was that we were sharing the Nile Crown II with an equally large group of Spanish tourists, and we weren't sure if there was enough turkey to feed both groups; fortunately, there was enough, and the Spaniards repeatedly wished us a Happy Thanksgiving throughout the evening.

Compared to earlier days, Friday's wake up call at 6:30 am seemed almost civilized, and after yet another agonizing procession through Cairo airport, we reached the scene of Jacob's grand triumph: the Cairo Museum. While in the Valley of the Kings earlier in the week, Mohammed had mentioned that the remains of Tutankhamen's mummy had been removed from the tomb and put in the museum. Jacob immediately protested, and while he may have been overruled, he certainly didn't drop the issue. As soon as we set foot in the Tutankhamen wing, he started reading every placard and display sign he could find. Nearly a half hour later, he finally found the tiny card near Tutankhamen's fabled golden headpiece that confirmed that the bones had, in fact, recently been returned to the tomb. And all this time we thought he wasn't paying attention…silly parents.

Garion, on the other hand, took one look at a two-story grand staircase of white marble, and launched into such a fuss fest in his baby rack that I finally him put down on the floor just to shut him up. Without a moment's hesitation he took off for the stairs and started his climb, negotiating each step, one by one, with that determined but wobbly gait of someone still learning to walk. Since Mohammed was teaching the rest of the group how to read hieroglyphics on a nearby sarcophagus, I chose to shadow Monkey-Boy up the stairs to make sure he didn't come to harm. By the time he reached the top some minutes later, he not only had nearly a dozen people waiting to applaud, but several had already asked me for permission to take his picture. The uniformed security guard complacently watched the whole expedition from the top of the staircase, before insistently ushering me into a nearby staff-only restroom so that I could wash Garion's hands and knees afterwards. He saw, he climbed, he conquered!

From the Cairo Museum we made our way to the Alabaster Mosque, a huge mosque that sits on a rocky outcrop high above Cairo and is truly made of alabaster. There everyone removed their shoes and women in shorts or low-cut shirts were draped in chaste ankle-length green shawls before we entered the mosque and listened to Mohammed's succinct description of Islam. An Arabic lady with several grandchildren in tow presented Garion with a balloon, which he gleefully began to chase around on the sun-dappled carpets. When a uniformed policeman hastened over, I quickly took the balloon away and started to apologize, but the policeman interrupted me to point at Garion's feet: 15 seconds later, my pockets were crammed with baby shoes and Garion was happily crawling after his balloon again.

After an pleasant but unremarkable ethnic lunch at an up-scale floating restaurant with the rather down-scale name of “The Fish Boat”, most of the group (including Mary & Robin) continued on for more shopping at the Khan el-Khalili bazaar. The Gleeful Threeful and I let the ladies shop in peace and returned to the hotel early, where we arrived just in time to wait nearly 45 minutes for our room keys…because we were early. The ladies returned an hour or so later, with a fairly typical assortment of trinkets and promptly decided to continue their shopping spree in the hotel gift shops. Luckily, Alex and Jacob were content to watch MTV in Arabic, while Garion was content to snooze in my lap as I watched the Stuttgart soccer team beat Glasgow 1–0. (VfB Stuttgart is now in first place in the German national league…Super!) The adults finished the last-minute packing and shared some excellent room-service Chinese food while the children snored, but like or not, our time in Egypt was nearly over.

The very last hurdle came Saturday morning: Cairo airport. With the grim determination of battle-hardened survivors, we stood by as the tour guides scuffled for our boarding cards and the porters manhandled our luggage. Once in the air, as we crossed over the Alps at 33,000 feet, Jacob announced loudly “Look…we're in Germany!” His older brother (being nearly 13 and virtually omniscient by now) glanced out the window before retorting “Duh…those are the Swiss Alps.” But Jacob would have the last word of the trip: “Yeah…but they're German on this side!”

MomBit: As I write this Sunday evening, Mary is upstairs eagerly watching Cecille B. DeMille's The Ten Commandments, parts of which were (supposedly) filmed in Luxor. The last thing I heard her shout down the stairs from the living room was “Honey…I can read some of the hieroglyphics!”

PotW: Out of over a hundred photos we took last week, this is the only one that has all five of us in it. Thanks, Zack!

Until next week…Tschüß!

,,,^..^,,,

2006.11.08-21:19

09:07 17 Mar 04