The Monday Morning Epistle

A string of expected (and unexpected) resignations has left Mary's office at half-staff, and she was all set to work yet another Saturday to make up for the lack of manpower. Luckily, I happened upon the one thing that would entice her to stay home: an entire day of rearranging the furniture in our house! Earlier in the week, we had purchased a new Schrank (armoire) to replace the aging TV stand in our master bedroom; not only did the cheap stand not match anything else in the room, but the footboard on our sleigh bed is so tall that we could only see the top half of the television. Once the new Schrank was in place and rewired, we decided to re-use the old stand to get the kid TV and PS/2 off of our antique blanket chest, but this meant moving the dining room table first. The most laborious part of lugging the dining room table, chairs, sideboard, and china hutch into the larger portion of the great room was having to completely empty everything, only to put it all back barely ten feet away from where it started. At least the new arrangement allows us to fully extend the table without fear of backing chairs (or guests) into the walls, and also suits our lifestyle better: we are much more likely to feed house guests than entertain them in a formal living room. Once the part of our house formerly known as the dining room was vacant, Alex & I shoehorned the game table, daybed, kid TV and PS/2 into it, leaving the fireplace area vacant in preparation for becoming a cozy den and parents-only sanctuary. (For those needing a visual on this…come visit us!)

Since Saturday was spent moving most of the furniture on the ground floor, Sunday was time for some family fun. The discount ticket books we bought for the local minor league baseball team included free entrance to the season opener, but it was canceled due to the ‘near miss’ blizzard. Consequently, the Sky Sox chose to extend their ‘Opening Day’ promotion to the second series of home games, so the whole family—plus Alex's friend Patrick—headed out to the stadium right after Mass on Sunday. The weather was ideal for springtime baseball: cool 60's when clouded over, but warm 70's when the sun came out; in other words, “Coats on…coats off…coats on…coats off.” It was also 25¢ Hot Dog Day, so the three teenagers and the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast actually got enough to eat, as long as it was hot dogs. My lovely bride even managed to find one lonely Heineken beer tap hidden amongst a long line of Coors products, so what we saved on hot dogs we cheerfully spent on beer.

Before the game—and throughout the first couple of innings—Alex spoke rapturously of the one home game we attended last summer, and the two things that seemed to impress him the most were the Hooters girls and the ‘human bowling ball’ event. God must have been listening, because near the end of the 5th inning, a young lady in a Sky Sox Staff polo short magically appeared with a clipboard and asked if Patrick or Alex would be willing to be the human bowling ball at the end of the 7th inning. (Talk about a stupid question…) Since the opportunity included a mandatory $20 donation to a local youth sports charity, it was decided that Alex would be the designated participant, and as a consolation prize we sponsored Patrick in the $5 ‘Home Plate Ball Toss’. After receiving a hearty round of congratulations from fans sitting within earshot, Alex gleefully disappeared with the staff member to prepare for his ordeal. Sadly, I missed Alex's moment of glory, because with two outs in the bottom of the 7th inning, Monkey-Boy loudly announced “I have to go poop!” This left Mary in charge of cheering loudly for our eldest son, who was sweating nervously inside an eight-foot inflatable ball while Patrick and Jacob hovered jealously on the sidelines. Running like a hamster in a wheel, Alex wobbled his way down the first base line to knock down all three pins within the 10 second time limit—the final pin with a spectacular last-second lunge, according to his mother—and received a roar of applause from the crowd…which I heard in the men's room. He also won four free tickets to the already sold-out Legends exhibition game later this summer, which more than recouped our initial involuntary donation.

KidBit: Jacob & I were watching a trashy R-rated guy movie that opened with a hooker in a sheer negligee that left absolutely nothing to the imagination. After the almost-topless actress had taken a swan dive off the balcony to end the scene, Jacob turned to me and asked sincerely “Why do action women always have small boobs?”

PotW: The professional photographer working the St. Baldrick's Shave-a-thon has promised me full-resolution images of our ‘Before’ and ‘After’ photos. When I get them, they'll go here…

Until next week…Tschüß!

,,,^..^,,,

2007.05.02-20:50